Embarkment 2577 Read online

  “Fine.” He didn’t sound like it was fine.

  Jia’Lyn nodded towards me. “The guards are instructed to let you move freely. You guys take care.”

  She left and I was almost giddy. Adam was home. It might be reluctantly, but he was there. Human guards wouldn’t stop him if he really wanted to leave, but for now he didn’t seem willing to defy orders just to get away from me. This might be my one opportunity and I must not mess it up.

  I took a seat next to him, making sure to give him space. “I wish you were here for another reason, but it’s still good to see you. I’ve missed you.”

  He looked at his hands. “It’s good to see you too.”

  I reached out to touch his arm, but he got up and walked over to a window. He stood with his back straight, staring out at the stars, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. This wasn’t a good time to cry, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

  I assumed Adam just looked out the window, but as soon as a treacherous tear escaped and rolled down my cheek he said, “Please don’t cry.”

  He turned around to face me, looking strong, certain, and impossibly handsome. This couldn’t be the same man I married, the one I shared so much with. The thought made my tears flow faster.

  “It’s not you, it’s me. I almost killed you. It could happen again.”

  I couldn’t answer. My voice would break, so I shook my head. Adam hesitated, but finally crouched in front of me and brushed a lock of my hair away.

  “Eve might have been right. Maybe I shouldn’t be around humans. Maybe this was doomed from the start.”

  At least he was talking to me. More progress than we’d made for quite some time… “She’s not right.”

  I swallowed hard before speaking, but my voice still wavered. The contrast made him seem even more composed and reasonable. “Alex, those things that happened, they couldn’t have happened if I’d been human. A part of me was aware of what I did to you, but I still couldn’t stop it. What if… What if I were to get angry with you in everyday life and accidentally kill you?”

  “You’re making it sound as if a door has been opened in you that will let all sorts of horrors through, but it’s not like that. You’re not like that. You’re my man and I love you. I need you, Adam.”

  If something did happen again, so what? It was worth it. He wouldn’t see it like that, of course. I balanced on the edge between bringing him closer and scaring him away.

  Tears still flowed from my eyes, and he touched my cheek very gently. “You know that I love you, right?”

  I nodded and leaned forward to wrap my arms around him. This time he didn’t withdraw, but he hesitated before hugging me back, and held me ever so carefully.

  “Please don’t leave me. I’ve missed you so much.”

  He kissed the top of my head and fetched a box of Kleenex. Once he got back, handing me a wad of soft paper tissue, I was getting myself back under control. “I’m sorry.”

  My husband shook his head, and we sat in silence for a few moments, side by side. I longed for him to hold me, but he seemed afraid to. I mumbled, “I’ll be right back,” and went to splash some water on my face. Crying didn’t bring out the best in me.

  When I got back, he had made a cup of tea for me. It waited on the table, and he stood by the window again. I ignored the mug and wrapped my arms around him from behind. I didn’t expect him to turn around and return the hug, and my heart took a leap when he did.

  “I’m afraid to touch you. I’m afraid to miscalculate and hurt you.”

  I buried my face against his chest. “I’m not going to break.”

  I knew he didn’t believe me, and I debated with more than an ordinary human emotion. It had been proven to him things would go terribly wrong, and he probably waited for it to happen again.

  “You know exactly how hard you can hold me, it’s never been a problem, and if you would overdo it I promise to tell you.”

  “I wish it was that easy. Come on, have your tea.”

  Chapter Four

  I sipped the last of my tea when Anya arrived. Adam lifted an eyebrow. “You don’t waste any time, do you?”

  Leaving wasn’t appealing now when he was finally home, but it might be for the best. I fiddled with the mug. “Do you guys want me to give you some space?”

  “If it’s alright with Adam, you can stay.”

  He snatched my cup away and headed for the replicator. “I doubt there’s anything in my mind you don’t already know.”

  I didn’t really want more tea, but he seemed to need the distraction. Was this as weird to them as to me?

  “Adam, I’m going to ask you a few questions, just so we get talking, but feel free to say anything that’s on your mind. We’ll be doing this every day for a while, and there’s plenty of time to talk about anything that might be bothering you.”

  He shrugged, but looked like he wanted to roll his eyes and tell her he worried about killing his wife.

  “How do you feel about me being here?”

  “I don’t feel. I’ve been ordered to submit myself to your services and I will.”

  Anya leaned her head a little to the side. “I see. And, why don’t you feel?”

  Interesting question. He sat with his back straight as always, looking like the epitome of serenity. “I keep my emotions suppressed because they affect my judgement. They keep me from doing the things I logically should do.”

  “So, when you decided to leave the ship earlier today, was that based on logic or emotion?”

  “Logic.”

  “Would you care to elaborate on this?”

  A hologram analysing an android. What a peculiar world. Adam answered in a final tone of voice, “No.”

  Anya didn’t flinch. “Please do anyway.”

  “I have hurt someone I care about a great deal, and I’m trying to prevent it from happening again.”

  “Don’t you think disappearing might also hurt this person you care for?”

  “Probably, but that isn’t lethal.”

  A big gulp of tea was the only thing keeping me from blurting out something stupid: I was pretty sure a human could die from a broken heart. This session wasn’t about me, and I needed to keep quiet.

  “Do you still want to leave?”

  Adam sounded tired. “I don’t want to leave, but there are many things I didn’t want to happen.”

  Anya fixed her pale eyes on me. “How do you feel about it?”

  “Who, me?” They both watched me in silence, and I should probably tell the truth. “I would rather die.”

  “Your wife says she’d rather die than have you disappear from her. Do you still think it would be for the best? How does it make you feel?”

  I expected him to answer with the same unflustered attitude, but he snapped. “I heard her just fine, and I told you I don’t feel.”

  Of course not… Perish the thought. For a second, the expression in his eyes reminded me of a forgotten pressure boiler about to explode.

  “That’s fine, Commander.”

  I envied her ability to pretend everything was normal. She rested a hand on his arm. “Adam, I’m saying this not just as a counsellor, but as your friend. I don’t know the details of what happened to the two of you, and Alex refuses to talk about it. She claims you weren’t responsible for it, and she has forgiven you. All she wants is you. The moment she opened her eyes after surgery, she asked for you.”

  He didn’t even blink.

  “Your wife has forgiven you, but you need to forgive yourself too. I’ll be back tomorrow and we can talk more about this.”

  The rest of the afternoon was weird. Adam seemed as happy to be home as I was to have him there, but also afraid to relax and let himself be comfortable. We couldn’t find anything to say or do that didn’t lead back to the same dead end. I finally resorted to the only thing that never failed us: science. “There’s something I don’t understand. John said that all matter in the universe is created in the stars. Does that mean all
planetary systems will have different kinds of matter depending on what sort of star they have?”

  I would normally avoid these subjects like the plague, but now I needed him to talk. Hopefully for a great length of time. He frowned. “When did you become interested in the laws of the universe?”

  “While you were away. I’ve been bored.”

  Normally, something like this would bore me to tears. This day, I stayed alert for hours as Adam explained about fusion and fission, covalent chemical bonds, and a lot of other things that should send me straight off to dreamy land. He pulled up holograms and drew diagrams of different systems and planets we’d visited, to give me a frame of reference.

  When I finally zoned out, he met my eyes with a smile tugging at his lips. “I didn’t think you’d be able to listen this long.”

  “I didn’t think so either, but it appears I was mistaken.”

  He ran a hand over my shoulder, and for a moment everything seemed to be alright. He was so close, and my heart called out to kiss him.

  I expected him to draw back and flee, but he didn’t. Although, he held me very carefully. “This is insane. You know that, right? You shouldn’t tempt me.”

  “Why? Is Cain still in there with you?”

  Might not have been the most tactful thing to say; it just popped out of my mouth.

  “I hope not.”

  “Good. Then we should be alright.” I kissed him again, and he returned it with much more intensity than I expected.

  *****

  I woke in the middle of the night, surprised to find Adam next to me. I had expected him to get up and potter about with something the minute I fell asleep. He had his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. I rolled over and snuggled my head down on his shoulder. “Are you alright?”

  He didn’t move. “No.”

  Not the answer I anticipated, but it was honest.

  “There’s something wrong with me.”

  “What is it, lover?” His words should probably have frightened me, but I was relieved. Maybe he was finally ready to tell me and we could work it out.

  “I feel. I can’t turn it off, it’s not right, and it’s getting worse every minute.”

  “That’s not what I thought you would say.”

  He wrapped his arms around me, and the touch sent tingles down my spine.

  “I can see that. When I’m with the crew and someone is just a little slow or doesn’t get something, I want to tear a hole in the hull and see them all float into space. Just to get rid of them, you know. I can’t do my job. Every time we meet something I want to fire all weapons and blow it out of the sky. And you…”

  The brief pause seemed to last forever. I wanted to say something to make him hurry up, but I was afraid to break whatever spell made him talk at all.

  “I want to lock you up somewhere, where only I can see you. When other people look at you or talk to you, I want to hurt them. I love you and I want you, but even that is overshadowed by jealousy. A part of me is still reasoning and knows it’s preposterous to want to crush Anya’s processor for being your friend, but I feel only rage.”

  Very, very bad. Did androids get mental breakdowns?

  “It’s like… I feel like I have a volume control on my negative emotions, and it’s set far above max. I can’t keep it under control anymore. That’s why I tried to leave today; I think I’m going insane.”

  How much did it cost him to appear so calm earlier? I couldn’t even imagine the amount of self-control he would have needed to get through the day. With his strength, he could create a disaster if he lost restraint for just part of a second.

  I weighed my words carefully. “I love you, Adam. I understand you can’t reason with a feeling, but you have nothing to be jealous about, and I hope I’ve never given you reason to think otherwise.”

  He laughed joylessly, “You haven’t, and a part of me knows that, but…”

  “I understand. Your sister…”

  The grip on me tightened. “Don’t call that bitch my sister.”

  His tone of voice made it clear he was much worse off than I thought. “Okay. Let’s call her ‘robot bitch’ from now on.”

  Had he been fighting this ever since we came back? Alone, for all these weeks? “I don’t know what Eve did to you, but this has something to do with her. I’m sure it can be undone.”

  “I have run countless self tests, but I can’t find a thing.”

  “Maybe it’s like a Trojan horse, or a worm.” Computer viruses seemed unheard of in this day and age, but he would understand.

  “Maybe.”

  There were people much smarter than me on the ship, and there should be a fair chance to get the problem solved. “Maybe tomorrow, we can ask Jia’Lyn to take a little look-see.”

  He rolled his eyes and I could see the tension under the surface.

  “Please. Do it for me.”

  “Maybe. You should get some sleep.”

  I couldn’t hide the suspicion in my voice. “Why? What are you going to do?”

  Adam answered dryly, “Don’t worry; odds are I’m still here when you wake up. I’m going to build something.”

  I mumbled, “Okay,” and he got out of bed, but hesitated for a moment. I thought he was going to say something, but he changed his mind and disappeared.

  Go back to sleep? What a joke. I lay tossing and turning for a long time. It would be comforting to go to him, but I shouldn’t press my luck. I drifted off eventually, into a world of bad dreams.

  Chapter Five

  I woke up hours later to the smell of coffee and croissants. Adam came in with a breakfast tray for me, but didn’t sit down. He kept his distance and sounded absentminded. “It’s getting worse.”

  He tossed something over and it landed on the bed. “Keep that with you. You’d have to be fairly close, but it should shut me down. Get Jia’Lyn if you want to, but I doubt it’ll do you much good.”

  The faith he put in me gave me a lump in my throat. He told me about being deactivated once, and it sounded like dying. He just made me responsible for his future, and I would have to prove myself worthy.

  I didn’t want food. Every bite grew in my mouth, but I nibbled it anyway. He brought it for me in spite of his own problems, and probably just barely avoided smashing the replicator in the process. “Computer, where’s Commander Jia’Lyn?”

  “The Commander is in Engineering.”

  Good. The bridge would have been a problem. Engineering might not be my second home, but I could go there without being thrown out.

  I stepped into the living room with a hopeful smile, but Adam was nowhere in sight. He probably holed up in his office.

  By now, I had forgotten about the security detail outside the door, and yelped when four guards aimed their guns at me. “Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

  “Sorry, ma’am. Just doing our jobs.”

  They seemed a little too amused.

  Jia’Lyn waved and jogged over as soon as I entered. “Hey, how’s it going? Are you guys doing okay?”

  “Yes and no. I need help.”

  “Did he hurt you again? Be honest, Alex. I wasn’t sure locking you up together was a good idea.”

  “No! Of course not. But there’s something wrong with him.”

  It was a matter of minutes before I stood in the elevator once more, accompanied by both Jia’Lyn and our Captain. At least people took me seriously when I said something was wrong…

  When we entered, Adam stood looking out the window. He glanced back over his shoulder, keeping his face under complete control. It was difficult to believe rampant emotions could be his problem.

  “Could I have a word with my wife?”

  Blake shrugged, and they both stepped outside. Adam turned around and I hurried up to him.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  I wanted to touch him. I wanted to kiss him and feel the comfort of his arms around me, but if he said no, it was no.

  “I d
on’t trust myself, and you shouldn’t either. Do you have the switch?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Don’t be afraid to use it. Let’s go.”

  He headed for the door and I trotted after, but when he was almost there, I stopped. “Adam, I love you.”

  He paused and bent his neck a little, looking at the floor. “I love you too. And right now, that’s what worries me.”

  I didn’t have to ask what he meant. If anything would make him lose control, it would involve me. Should I stay behind? No, he was putting up with this because of me and I needed to be there.

  Our little group didn’t meet anyone on the short walk to the elevator. Adam took the lead, flanked by his superiors, and I trailed behind. When he entered the lift, he turned and leaned his back against the wall, fixing his eyes on me. I saw pain and desire. I wanted to touch him so badly, but he had told me no.

  I was closest to the door, and when we reached the Engineering deck, I took a few steps into the corridor. I met a man who smiled and said, “Good morning.”

  I had no time to answer. Adam pushed past me, grabbed the man, and shoved him up against the wall. Blake and Jia’Lyn stared; he went from looking completely unemotional to threatening and violent in a split second. “Don’t talk to my wife.”

  Adam had lost control, and all the people on the ship combined wouldn’t be able to force him back in line. I had the switch in my pocket, but it disgusted me. “Adam, it’s okay. Let him go.”

  He didn’t move, and I ran a hand over his arm. “Adam, honey, I need you over here. He’s not important, let him go.”

  My husband stared at his hands. The man clawed at them, he probably didn’t get enough air, and I could relate to that. “I need you to have faith in me. Come with me.”

  I could almost see the willpower it took to release the grip.

  As soon as Adam no longer held him, the man collapsed to the floor, coughing. I wanted to apologize, but it didn’t seem like the best of ideas. I should probably stay quiet and hope we didn’t meet anyone else.

  Luckily, the door wasn’t far away, and when I walked towards it, Adam followed. Behind me, I heard Blake’s voice, “I need a medic.”